:: ROAR ::

sueellenb:

                              (Co-written with Savannah Wimbley)

   ”What happens when you meet a guy who isn’t exactly on the same page as you, but you think he’s willing to change, his potential is amazing, and you both have mutual feelings for each other?”

This is a situation that I have dealt with, and I’ve become increasingly aware that girls deal with it a lot.

   Women are created with a natural desire to nurture. They want to see people healed and at their best. The problem isn’t in the desire, (which is given to us from God), the problem comes when they use it as an emotional band-aide, attempting to fix problems and situations that arise in their relationships. The desire to nurture is a part of who we are, and is a good thing when used in an emotionally healthy way. It’s a natural, created desire, gone awry. And when what is created becomes twisted, it becomes an emotional mess, and if repeated, can become an addiction.

   So lets say you meet this awesome guy. He’s sweet, kind, he makes you feel like you’re the world. But his beliefs are different than yours, his way of seeing things is the polar opposite of you, he doesn’t like that you talk about God sometimes, and he definitely doesn’t like the fact that you’re a daughter of God. Your desire to nurture kicks in and your head says, “I might be able to help him. Maybe if I get in a relationship with him, he’ll be amazed by my example, and in the end he’ll change and become the man of my dreams!!”

    When I talk to women and girls in this situation, I find that the word “hope” is used a lot. They are ‘hopeful’ that they can make a difference, they ‘hope’ that it will still work out, they ‘hope’ that he will someday realize who he really is.
   But this is not the hope that God has given us. There are two very different definitions of hope. The world’s version, and God’s version. God’s version of hope is - the joyful expectation of good. The knowledge that what God has promised, He will bring to completion. 
    The world’s version of hope is this - a wishful thought, or thinking, that wishes things to change. A feeling often filled with doubt, confusion, regret and lies.
The devil will often try to replicate the wonderful things God has created. So when God created hope, the devil created a replication of hope, and ever since then has been using it against people. 

   If you cannot achieve change in that person while simply remaining friends, then you will not achieve that change after getting into a relationship. The most dangerous mindset is the one that says, “I’m getting into this relationship because I think I can help him, or I think I can change him.” People will often tell you that it’s impossible to be ‘just friends’ after already having feelings for a person. This is a lie. Just because you have feelings for someone, does not mean you have to get into a relationship with that person. No matter what your feelings are, you still have the choice of remaining in control of them and making the right choices. 

     So if you’ve dealt with any of the things I mentioned, or you are in a situation like that, then here are a few questions that you can ask yourself.

1. “Does the hope I have give me a feeling of joy, peace and excitement? Do I know that the destiny and love I’ve been promised is absolutely and without question going to be fulfilled? Or is the hope I’m feeling laced with doubt and confusion? ( i.e. - I’m not sure what’s going on, I don’t even really want to think about it, but I hope that things will turn out ok, and that I will be able to make a difference in his life and change the way he sees God and me.)
    There will always be ‘hope’ involved, but the question lies in which kind of hope it actually is. This is one where you have to be really honest with yourself, in order to get the honest answer. Just remember that the hope of God is a joyful expectation of the promises God has already made to you. 

2. Does he often ask you to compromise?

    If a guy isn’t on the same page as you, then most of the time he will start asking you to compromise. It might start in your faith, or your standards, or physical things. Either way, you’ll be the one who is asked to compromise, to lower yourself to his level, or at least meet him half-ways. 
    The second you agree to compromise, he doesn’t have to change anymore, and you begin to go downhill. 
    You are a daughter of a King. You deserve the best, and your standards are allowed to be high. On an extremely practical note, if a guy is asking you to compromise your standards, then he probably doesn’t care as much for you as he says. A man who truly cares, will respect your standards and the fact that you are a daughter of God.

3. Am I completely free to be myself around him?

   Often times when you’re the one trying to nurture, or emotionally fix him, you’ll find yourself hiding certain parts of yourself because you might appear ‘better than him’, or maybe those parts of you just piss him off. Either way, it’s uncomfortable, and you’d rather just hide certain aspects of your character and identity, than risk hurting him or your relationship.
   You might even find yourself tempted to change who you are to fit his version of girl that he wants.
   This is a huge ‘red alert’, because if you are already hiding parts of yourself, then you cannot have expectation that those things are going to change later down the road. Your identity is fixed in Christ. Any man you get in a relationship with should be causing you to grow, not getting frustrated that you are growing too fast, or that your standards are set higher than his.

4. What are some of the things he likes about me? 

    If the things he likes about you are your joyfulness, your boldness, the way you’re outgoing, your love, etc., then he’s liking what is usually a direct result from God. If He doesn’t like God, then he actually doesn’t like the reason behind the things he likes the most about you. 
   Begin to understand that if your identity comes from God, and if he isn’t so ‘into God’ then he doesn’t actually like what makes you who you are. 

In the end it comes down to the fact that you’re not really fighting him, you’re fighting yourself and your emotions. One of the biggest desires of the devil is to get you to fight yourself and chase your own tail, because not only will you always lose, but you won’t get anything done.

   Yes, we were created to be warriors, fierce, beautiful, strong and bold, but we were also created to someday walk beside someone who not only supports us in that, but who is a warrior himself. We need to stop selling ourselves short, using the excuse that ‘there aren’t enough guys out there who are on the same page as us’, or ‘we can change the one we’re with/have feelings for’.

    If you really want to help this guy, and get him on the same page as you, then get him in contact with some men who believe what you believe, and who can disciple him, and get him to a place where he is emotionally healthy. It’s ok to tell a guy that you can only be friends. If you can’t make a difference in his life as a friend, then that won’t change by getting into a relationship. Backing down on your beliefs will only confirm his doubts that what you believe in isn’t real.

     Remember that you were created to nurture and to help people. But realize that it is not emotionally and spiritually healthy to put yourself into a situation where you are attempting to fix a man in order to get into a relationship with him. (This applies to anyone) Remember who you are. You are a daughter of the King. A powerful woman who is loved by the Creator and your Father. You deserve the best, not the second best or emotional wrecks. Get that friend in touch with some guy friends or mentors who can really help him without getting emotionally damaged. Protect your heart, and his. Waiting is not a bad thing, and building patience and self-control is always a good thing.      

      Please email me, or ask in my ask box if you have any questions.

      (Email - sueellenbontrager@gmail.com)

 

bomb post. every girl should read this.

(via sueellenb-deactivated20120415)